“The Talk” – Having Tough Conversations with Under-Performing Employees

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At this point (part two of a three-part post) you’ve determined that the problem is not you. You’ve spent some time reflecting on what performance means in your context, so you can objectively conclude that your team member is under-performing and now it’s time for a tough conversation, aka. “The Talk”. Before we go any further if you haven’t read my previous blog post on How to deal with an Under-Performing Employee, check it out for some additional context on how we got here at the “The Talk”

Unless you live for conflict, there is a degree of anxiety in your stomach as you consider the conversation that needs to happen. I’ve been there a few times, and it’s not fun. But here’s the thing. The best thing you can do for your team member, your team and your organization notwithstanding, is to have “The Talk”.

I’m a Christian, and I go to the Bible for guidance when I’m in situations like this, so I’ll give you a reference. Luke 6:31 states, “And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise.” In other words, do unto your team member, what you would have your manager do unto you. If your manager thinks you are under-performing, you would want them to come have a conversation with you. So, realize that although the conversation will be a hard one, both parties likely think it’s a good discussion to have.

Prepping for “The Talk”

There are a few things to do as you prepare for “The Talk”:

As mentioned in the previous section, make sure you start with considering their humanity. Your goal should be to move them from an under-performing employee to a performing employee. If the root of your motivation to have the conversation is their success, your genuineness will be perceived by them during the discussion. If you don’t like them, or just want them to leave, that will be telegraphed like a billboard on your forehead during the conversation. Make sure you are having the conversation to help them.
Understand your objective measurement. If you are going to tell your employee they are under-performing, one of the first questions they are going to ask is, “what do you mean?” Or in other words, how did you measure and come to that outcome. Don’t just tell them they are under-performing, be ready to show them.
Gather a list of examples. Be careful to avoid saying, “Steve said you did this…” or “Mary told me you didn’t do this…” You want a well-documented list of reasons they are not doing well. Here’s the thing – at some point, you may need to let this person go, and your HR department will want to have a record of why you are letting them go. For me, I try to gather documentation that accounts for several weeks if not months of examples.
Consider contacting your HR department. Unless you are a small business, and you are the HR department, contact your HR representative to get their thoughts. In large corporations, they may have more backstory on your employee than you do. If your team member came from another part of the organization, HR may know why they migrated. Additionally, HR may have specific protocols for these situations that you need to follow. They deal with these conversations all the time, and also bring a legal aspect to the conversation you may not be considering. Use your best judgement though, make sure your discussion warrants HR’s involvement. You don’t want to escalate things prematurely.
Be ready to set expectations for next steps. You need a feedback loop if you are going to make change happen. If you want to meet with them weekly, put them on a performance improvement plan, complete a 360 survey, or put some performance benchmarks in place for them to pursue. You need to be crystal clear on what those steps are. They will want to know, and more than that, they need to know.
Schedule the meeting. Typically, I wouldn’t take more than 30 minutes for a conversation like this. You don’t want to schedule an hour, and then awkwardly find Parkinson’s Law to be true. It is true, and you will take whatever time you make for it. Keep it as short as possible.
When going into the meeting, be ready to take notes either during or right after the meeting. I’ve found it more helpful to document the discussion right after, as this allows you to give the conversation your full attention.
Pray. Whether or not you believe in God, pray. You need mental clarity, and they need a heart/mindset to receive and respond to the feedback you are about to give.

Having “The Talk”

Start with their Humanity

I have told many employees over the years, “I want you to enjoy what you do, and to be good at it. If we can make those two things happen, we’ll be in a good place. And if either of those two statements is not true, then we need to talk.”

I want you to enjoy what you do, and to be good at it.
Dr. Josh Stephens

You are getting ready for the talk, so remember those words, “I want you to enjoy what you do, and to be good at it.” You might even start with those words. Don’t go from that to “But…” Instead, take a more positive route and say “And here’s what I’m seeing…”

Keep in mind you are the one in charge. As a leader, you have an obligation to set the rules. If you are dealing with a toxic person, or a hero, you may get a lot of excuses why they do what they do. In fact, you may just find yourself at the sour end of their conversations with other people. By the way, I would never encourage you to tell someone they are “toxic”. Heroism has a more positive bent, but even that terminology I’d probably try to avoid.

Present Evidence

Having “The Talk” with an under-performing employee is similar to the list of prep work I gave you in the last section. If you started the conversation with their humanity, you are already done with step one. Now show them, as objectively as possible, why they are under-performing. Don’t be shy. There’s no need to use the words, “I think”.

Either they are or they aren’t, and using words that convey your opinions rather than facts, allows them the opportunity to push the blame on your “opinion”. Don’t do it. “Here are the things I’ve witnessed over the past 3-5 weeks. Here is why your actions represent under-performance, etc…”

Listen to their Response

Give them an opportunity to respond. This isn’t a time for excuses, although they may have several to share. They need you to listen. Remember, if your manager was having this conversation with you, you’d want them to hear your side of the story.

Genuinely listen to their response. I’ve had grown men in tears in my office, not because I was mean, but because they were going through hard things in life. Your team member may be going through something similar outside of work. The loss of a loved-one, a divorce, medical issues, and many other factors can have an emotional and physical toll on the person sitting across from you. So listen to what they have to say.

Respond to their Response.

Weigh their response with the outcomes and the expectations you set. You may have the ability to, “tolerate”, for lack of a better word, to some degree, their behaviors due to extenuating circumstances. Your company may offer free resources that could help them financially, provide counseling, or even time off, to give them the breathing room they need to overcome personal issues. This is your time to respond to their objections, or acquiescence. They may completely agree and be relieved to have the conversation. Or they may clam up and respond in a manner that leads you to believe they are not going to change.

Our pastor, Cody Kuehl at GR.Church, when sharing about how he works with his kids when they are not doing well, suggested two modes of application. The first is grace. Grace is unwarranted favor. It’s giving someone something better than they deserve. The second is truth. Truth is what is “right” and “just” about a certain circumstance. People who give themselves a lot of grace in situations like this, need to be given truth. On the other hand, if someone gives themself a lot of truth in a situation like this, then grace is a good salve to apply.

What do I mean? If their response is riddled with excuses, and statements like, “that’s your opinion, but I’ve been doing this job for 15 years and I know what works and what doesn’t”. They don’t need you to coddle them or make things super easy for them. You need to stand firm as you move into the next step of setting expectations. On the other hand, their response could be one of acceptance, and sorrow. Perhaps they say something like, “I know, I’ve really been struggling in this area, and I genuinely want to do better. Should I be looking for another job?” That person needs grace. They are harder on themselves than you were, and that’s a person who may be easy to work with going forward.

Apply truth to people giving themselves grace and apply grace to people giving themselves truth. That’s a gem in the workplace, in relationships, and even with your children.